Teach A Lesson Without Grounding Your Kids

First, you don't just "remove punishment." Once you aren't punishing, kids feel safer, so the emotions they've been stuffing come pouring out -- sometimes in the form of rudeness toward parents. You need to replace the punishment with a positive connection with you, so your child respects you and WANTS to follow your rules.

Transitioning to positive parenting can be hard. Your child has already come to understand the world through a certain lens. He thinks the only reason to "behave" is that otherwise he'll be punished by losing a privilege or being grounded. Of course, you'd rather have him choose to do the right thing because he wants to have a positive impact on the world, not because he's afraid of being caught and punished. But how do you teach him the lessons he still needs to learn, if you no longer use punishment to motivate him?

Grounding your child, removing privileges, punishing with extra chores -- all of these approaches are meant to "teach a lesson."  But research shows that kids get preoccupied with the unfairness of the punishment, instead of feeling remorse for what they did wrong. The lessons you want to teach, I assume, are:

• His actions have an impact on the world.
• He can always choose his own actions and he is responsible for them.
• Everyone makes mistakes. When we make a mistake, it is our job to repair things.  Cleaning up messes is usually harder than making a more responsible choice to begin with.
• When we reflect on our actions and their impact on the world, it helps us make a better choice next time.
• It takes courage to do the right thing. But when we make responsible, considerate choices, we become the kind of person we admire, and we feel better about ourselves.

Right? Here's how.

1. First move yourself from anger into empathy. Once your child knows you're on his side, he feels safe to engage with you. Without that sense of safety, your child's heart is hardened to you -- because he expects judgment and punishment -- and you have no influence at all. So just tell him you need some time to think, and get calm before you talk about what happened.  

2. Start with connection. Children of any age, including teenagers, respond to that connection by being more open to your guidance. If your child is worried about you getting upset at her, she'll move into "fight, flight or freeze" and learning will shut down.  She's also more likely to lie. The only way to actually "teach a lesson" is to create a safe conversation. To do that, remember that your child has a reason for what she did. You may not consider it a good reason, but to her it's a reason. If you don't find out her reason, you can't prevent a recurrence.

3. Tell your child you want to hear his thoughts about what happened.  Then let him talk. Reflect to clarify (and demonstrate) your understanding:

"I see...so the guys really wanted you to play basketball, and it was at the same time as the study session for the test? That's a hard choice."

"Wow! So you and your sister were really furious at each other... you were so hurt when she....I would have been mad too, if someone said that to me......and you really wanted to get back at her, huh?"

4. Keep your focus on connecting with your child and seeing the situation from his point of view. This helps you, and him, understand what motivated him. This gives him an opportunity to work through the feeling or the unmet need that drove his behavior. Kids always know what the right choice was, but something got in their way. What was it? How can he (with your help) address that so he can make a better choice next time?

For instance, let's say he played basketball with his friends instead of going to the study session, and then failed his test. You might find as you talk with him that he has a lot of anxiety about being accepted by the guys and felt he had to play basketball to be one of the gang. This social anxiety may be something he actually needs your help to sort out and problem-solve about, and once he does he'll be a lot more ready to focus on schoolwork.

But by simply punishing him, you would never have even known about it. You would have lost the opportunity to help him address his feelings and find a good solution for next time. In fact, since punishment doesn't help him resolve his conflict, he might very well do the same thing next time, but invent some story to cover himself.

5. Ask open-ended questions.  Keep the conversation as safe and as light as possible. If you can share a laugh, you'll defuse the tension and strengthen your bond, so remind yourself that this is a growth experience for both of you, and summon up your sense of humor.

• Was he aware of making a choice? 
• What led him to that choice? 
• What does he think about it now? ("How did that work out for you?")
• Was there a cost to making that choice? 
• Would he do it again? 
• Why or why not? 
• How could he support himself to choose differently next time?
• What support would he like from you, so he can choose differently next time?

6. Empower your child to repair what he's "broken." Explore and learn with your child, rather than assuming that you know what should happen now. Once he isn't being controlled by that unmet need or upsetting feeling, and he sees the result of his action (failed test, hurt sister, broken window, whatever), he feels regretful.  This is only after the feelings or needs have been processed, of course.  But once they aren't driving him, his "goodness" is free to come through.  He naturally wants to make things better.

So you ask him:

• What can you do now to make things better?
• Did this incident show you anything in your life that you want to change, that's bigger than this one incident?
• How can I support you? 

7. Resist the urge to jump in with punishments. Instead, be quiet and listen.  This is not about him being punished and losing privileges and being told what bad things are now going to happen to him. It's about him realizing that what he does has an impact, and taking responsibility to have a positive rather than a negative impact. If you can avoid playing the heavy, your son can actually take responsibility, because he isn't on the defensive.

In the example of the failed test, maybe he makes a written chart about schoolwork, and sits with you to do it every night, and asks the teacher for extra credit work to do, etc. Is that punishment? No, not if this is the plan that he brainstorms with you to come up with. In fact, if you help him actually follow through and partner with him so he can achieve his goals, then it's completely empowering and could transform his ability to achieve in school.  Of course, he might not know that this is what he needs to be successful. Sometimes, you'll make the choice to give him this support, not as a punishment, but because your job as a parent is to provide the structure to help him succeed.

If the bad choice was hurting his sister, then the reparations would be to her.  All children have mixed emotions about siblings, but that means there is affection and comradeship in there somewhere, and even protectiveness. "How can you help your sister feel safe with you again?"

8. What if she says no repair work is necessary; that she doesn't care if she failed the test and her sister deserved what she got?  She's still on the defensive.  Say "Oh, Sweetie....I understand why this happened and why you made this choice....but that doesn't mean your choice worked out well...you must still be very upset to say that....I know that when you aren't so upset you would feel differently....Let's give this a break and talk more later." Give her a chance to calm down.  

When you start talking again, start with empathy. That's what helps her heal those feelings. And model taking responsibility, maybe by saying "I think some of this is my fault...I didn't realize you were falling behind in class, or I would have helped you address it before now." Set a clear expectation that she needs to come up with a repair with her sister, and that you know she will figure out the perfect thing.

9. Step into your own power. You as the grown-up have more power than you know in this situation. Your child is depending on your leadership, even if she seems to be resisting it. If she hurt her sister, it gives you an opportunity to address the obvious sibling rivalry. If she failed her test, it gives you an opportunity to consider your family's overall prioritization of schoolwork, and how YOU can support your child to manage it. When we give our children sufficient support, they usually rise to the level of our expectations.  Some kids just need more support than others.

10. Set limits as necessary. If your child has broken a family rule, then you'll need to reinforce that rule.

• "Homework always comes first, before play." 
• "In this family, we use our words to tell each other when we're upset about something. We don't hit."

11. Don't rescue. Sometimes your child's infraction goes beyond the family. He was caught cheating at school, or drinking with his buddies, or he was in a car accident. Resist the temptation to rescue him from the consequences of his actions. If you do, he will learn nothing from this incident. That's a set-up for him to repeat the behavior that led to this result. Instead, listen, empathize, and love him unconditionally. But be very clear that he has to pay the price for his behavior. If that means failing the course at school, or working to repair the car and not being allowed to drive it, that's the natural consequence of his behavior. Much better for him to suffer the pain now and learn something, while he's a minor.

12. Expect an adjustment period. Like any transition, a change in your parenting from punitive to empathic parenting will include both of you learning the new territory. No blame.  We all do the best we can as parents. But if you've been punishing, your child was obeying out of fear. Once you stop punishing, she stops obeying. So you need to make it your highest priority to do some repair work on your connection, FIRST, so she WANTS to cooperate with you, and doesn't want to disappoint you. Otherwise, she'll just flaunt your rules.

But what if she just can't regulate herself to stop fighting with her sister or do her homework?  This is where you pay the piper for your previous punishing -- it's likely she has some big upsets stored up that are driving her behavior. The key is to stay empathic and not take it personally. Remind her that you speak with respect to her, and that you expect civility in return: "You must be so upset to speak to me that way...What's going on, Sweetie?"  Stay compassionate.  Welcome her upset feelings. The more safety you can provide, the sooner your child will be willing to cry and share what's really bothering her. Once she empties her emotional backpack of all those uncomfortable feelings she's been lugging around, she'll be much more open to connecting. And because you've stayed compassionate, she'll know you're on her side, and she'll WANT to cooperate, whether she's three or thirteen. She'll even start thanking you for your patience!

The hard part is changing your own habits, but luckily you'll see positive changes very quickly so you'll have incentive to keep going. Don't worry about changing your child's thinking. If you change, they change.

School Attendance Matters!!!

In my school counseling program, I have enjoyed doing attendance small group sessions.  My students have really enjoyed the activities and seem to get the big picture of why regular school attendance is so important.

The small group meets six times.  Each year, I use attendance data to form the group and include it as part of my ASCA National Model Plan for the school year.  For the past two years, I’ve worked with third graders.  The selected students usually have 15+ absences from the previous school year.

During our first session, the students brainstorm reasons why school attendance matters.  This year, I had them brainstorm on their own sheets first.  I used discussion cards to help students who couldn’t think of enough ideas for their sheets.  While we discussed the different ideas, they were free to add them to their own lists.  We concluded by filling in the bubble chart together.

For the second session, the students made a foldable.  Inside, they wrote about Responsible Routines. After assembling the foldable with the labels, they wrote under each flap giving responsible routines for the morning, after school and at night.  This includes routines such as waking up on time to get to school, having everything ready for the next day the night before and going to bed at a decent hour.

When we met for the third session, the students watched two videos about the importance of school attendance.   One video is an attendance rap and the other shows the staff at a school, along with students, talking about different reasons why it’s important to attend school regularly.  While watching, they write points from the videos that stand out to them. Afterwards, the group members share their notes. Next, we begin making  a fortune teller using information shared by the group along with the brainstorming sheets from the first session.

Our fourth session involves finishing the fortune tellers and completing the  “Set the Scene” activity.  “Set the Scene” allows us to discuss the path from good attendance in school to a career.  The students cut out, sequence and glue six strips in order and illustrate each on the filmstrip sheet.

During the fifth session, we play an attendance board game.  This game  includes questions about the information from the first four sessions. If there are any activities that students need to finish from previous meetings, time is allowed during this session.

When we meet for our final session, we play Roll and Respond.  Students roll a die and respond to sentence starters about attendance. Before leaving, they complete an exit ticket which reflects what they’ve learned during the small group.  They take all of their completed activities with them to share with their teachers and families.  

After we have completed the small group, I continue to keep up with the attendance patterns of each of the students when I meet monthly with the attendance committee at my school.  I will also meet again with the students to review what was learned in our small group.  Individual sessions are held with students who continue to have attendance concerns.  The good news:  This year’s attendance data for the group is looking good and is much better than what they ended the school year with last year!

School Counselor Survival Kit

Ideas For Your School Counselor Survival Kit

These items will help you along the way in your career as a school counselor, whether you are a school counseling intern and have to schlep your stuff around a school, a new school counselor trying to fill an office. or a veteran looking for additional ideas.  Having your own School Counselor Survival Kit will help you on your journey.

Cart on Wheels - a cart on wheels such as the Rubbermaid Collapsible Cargo Crate can make getting from place to place a breeze. I highly recommend this item! I use mine all the time to lug my stuff around, and in and out of school.

Art supplies - You don't need to have a ton of art supplies, but I do recommend you have the basics, including crayons, colored pencils, markers, paper (lined, unlined, and construction paper).  I recommend Crayola brand, especially the twistable crayons and colored pencils.

Play-Doh - Play-doh party packs are great for groups and individual sessions. I like to give kids their own play-doh so they can take it home after group. Clay is another great option; and it is typically gluten free!

Stress Balls - Stress balls are helpful for teaching students about managing anger. You can get stress balls at many places for free. I have stress balls in the shape of everything from a computer to a baseball bat.  I got most of my stress balls from exhibit areas at conferences.

Stress Ball Making Supplies - If you don't mind getting a little messy, students LOVE making their own stress balls.  All you need is all purpose flour, balloons, scissors, and a funnel. For instructions check out my post, creating a stress ball.  You can also use a pool noodle to create a stress ball.


Bubbles - Children and adults alike LOVE bubbles. They are great to use for teaching relaxation techniques and to help students calm down.


Puppets - Finger Puppets are a great addition to your survival kit. Finger puppets are small so you can fit lots of them in your kit. Students love to act out situations or just play with the finger puppets. I have found great deals on finger puppets at  Amazon, Etsy, Ikea, Target, eBay, and Ten Thousand Villages.

Jenga - Jenga makes a great addition to a school counseling survival kit. There are many ways you can use Jenga in counseling. You can have each student ask a question as they pull out a block. It is great to talk about patience and frustration. With a colorful version of this game, you can have students pick emotions/feelings to represent each color. You can then have students talking about a time they experienced that feeling or how they could cope with that feeling when they pull the particular color.

Uno - Uno is a fun game to play with students the original way, or it can be used to talk about feelings and experiences. Allow students to pick feelings or rules for each color. Each time a someone lays down a color, they can talk about that feeling or experience. 


Portable Sand tray - One of the most used items in my office is my portable sand tray. I actually did not have this during my internships and wish I would have. It is great and inexpensive to make.  Cornstarch or cornmeal are great alternatives to sand.
 

Plastic Tube Animals - Plastic tube animals work great in a portable sand tray, or by themselves. I recommend getting dinosaurs and jungle, farm, or zoo animals to start your collection. *Other places to get plastic tube animals includes: craft stores such as Michael's, Ross/T.J.Maxx/Marshalls, and department stores, and Amazon.


Army People - Army people are a great addition to your school counseling survival kit, especially if you create a portable sandtray. Students play out scenarios and conflict using army people. They are super cheap and you can even find them a the dollar store!

Animal Crackers - Animal crackers make a great icebreaker! I have used animal crackers in groups for new students and as ice breakers in other groups. I have students pick an animal and identify how they are like that animal. It is a fun and tasty way to for students to get to know each other. I use gluten free animal crackers made by Kinnikinnick Foods, as many children (and adults) have food allergies and intolerances. 

Basketball Hoop - An Over-the-door basketball hoop is a necessity! It is great because you can put it up wherever you go. Both boys and girls love to use my basketball hoop. I use it often in individual and small group sessions with students. Sometimes we play a game where we answer a question then make a shot. Other times, students just talk to me about what is going on for them while shooting the basketball.

Balloons - Balloons have a variety of uses.  Balloons can be used to make stress balls (with sand or flour), teaching students how to calm down, remembering a loved ones through a balloon release, discussing tension, etc.   


Tissues - Nothing is worse than searching for tissues when a student requests one. I like to keep tissues in my school counseling survival kit just in case.

All of the items mentioned in the School Counselor Survival Kit will help you in your role as school counselor! You do not need all of these items at once. The great thing about these items is that the majority of them are multifunctional ; so you can use them for more than one activity.

I will be updating the School Counselor Survival Kit as I think of more ideas and places to buy items. I am always on the lookout for great items to share with other school counselors!


What items do you have in your "School Counselor Survival Kit?" 

Email me with your input!

Kristine Kilgour is a Pre K-12 Certified School Counselor, Mediator, Coach, and Blogger . Contact Kristine via email or at 512-704-5265.