Whose Homework Is This, Anyway?!?

What's the definition of homework? 

An eight letter word that can make almost everyone cringe, adults and kids alike. One of the most common complaints that I hear from parents of school aged children is that frequent homework battles are driving them nuts!

We, as parents, just don't get why homework is such a problem. Is it that big of a deal? We lived through our own school days, we understood the value of homework, we did it with no complaints to the best of our abilities, and we did it all with a smile. Of course, we walked three miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways too, right? NOT.
If you were like almost every other child, you had days where you moaned and groaned about doing homework. You had days that you raced through your homework as fast and with as little attention as possible so you could get to the fun stuff. You may have had days where you told your parents there was no homework that day or you forgot it at school because you just couldn’t bear the thought of waiting one more minute to fire up the Atari console for a game of Space Invaders.Start with EmpathySo the question is not why do our kids procrastinate, complain, or race through it. The question is; why do we think our children are so different? Of course, empathy is one of my favorite places to start when thinking about any parenting challenge. Before hopping on our high horses and lecturing about the value of homework, we need to take a moment and really put ourselves in our child’s shoes. Connect with that inner child of yours, and remember what a long day of school felt like, and how hard it was at times to dig in to more work when you got home. Actually, I don’t even have to go back that far. Take any weeknight when I have worked a full day and dinner, laundry, and chores are waiting there for me. I would rather relax and play with the kids. I would rather do just about anything than laundry, but there it is always waiting for me.

Now that we have some empathy for how our children may feel about homework some days, let's take a look at how we can set ourselves and our children free from the battles that often occur around this issue.Whose Homework Is It?Their homework is THEIR Homework. Homework is an agreement between a student and their teacher. Yes, assignments come home that require a whole lot more from parents than they should. And, often there is a whole lot more homework than research demonstrates is necessary. I will save those issues for another day though. What we can do is let the homework your child has be theirs to manage. 
Many of the struggles around homework come from the mistaken belief that we, as parents, are responsible for the homework. Somewhere in there, we think that if we stopped nagging, it would never get done, our children would fail fifth grade, and be destined to a life of poor spelling and an inability to calculate a tip when dining out.Managing Our Own EmotionsThe truth is, our fears are normal. We want our kids to get the most out of life. We want them to learn, grow, and find their passion. We want them to know the value of hard work. And, decades past our own school years, we still live in fear of being called to the principal’s office. Here’s where we get stuck. We believe that it is only through our nagging and pressure that our children will learn these things.

Here are the questions to ask ourselves: Is that how we learned these important life skills and lessons? Was it through lectures and power struggles? Yes, we might have experienced those. My guess is we learned those lessons despite the lectures and power struggles, not because of them. Our children fear things all the time, and we ask them to trust us and to try it anyway. This is what we must do with our own children. We must trust that they will learn the important life lessons without us drilling them in. We must trust that they can learn from mistakes if we allow them to, and we must trust that they will rise to the occasion when we give them the tools to do so.
Create A Plan
From the first day my oldest came home with homework, we worked together to create a plan for how he would manage it and what he needed from me. This was kindergarten, so the amount was minimal. I figured we might as well start off on the right foot though so we made a plan together.

Each school year, we would have a discussion and come to an agreement as to when homework will be done (what days of the week and what time of day), where it will be done (at the kitchen table, in her room, etc.) and what he needs in order to do his homework (help from me, sharpened pencils, etc.). Part of our agreement is to see how our new plan works for a few weeks, and then check in and make adjustments if needed.

A five-year-old may need a reminder on what happens each day of the week and what time things happen; but he can still have a fair amount of control over the plan. When they suggest something that isn’t a good option, a gentle question such as, “I wonder if you might like to plan snack time before homework time?” or “I wonder if we really have enough time in the morning to do homework then? Do we need to adjust our morning routine if that is when you would like to do it?” 
If they are quite insistent, it may not be worth the battle. Let them try it out. Either it will surprise us and actually work; or, it will surprise them and they will be itching to try something different. The important part is letting your children have the learning experience without us getting in the way as parents. I have had some wonderful surprises when letting my children try out plans that seemed doomed to fail.

Older kids may need less involvement from you on coming up with the plan; but it is still essential that you talk about it together. This is the time to add in any parts that are important to you. If your rule is that homework needs to be done before screen time, you will want to make sure this is part of your agreement from the beginning.
An essential part of any good plan is follow through.  A good plan helps you and your children learn to trust each other. Here are some tips for helping both you and your child keep your agreements:

1) If you have agreed that homework happens at a certain time, make sure that time is kept clear so they can follow through. If you need to schedule something during that time, ask them.

2) Give your child the benefit of the doubt and assume they will keep their agreement. It never feels good to have people second guess or micromanage us, and our children feel the same. This means giving a grace period before checking in on their plan.

3) Minimize distractions. If younger siblings are around, make sure they have something to do so that the child doing homework is not bothered.

4) If the agreed upon homework time has past and your child is still not getting started, check in calmly. You might say, “I notice its past 4pm, what’s our agreement about what happens at this time?”
Learning From Experience
I said this above, but I can’t stress it enough. Their homework is their own. It is what their teacher asked them to do in school. While it may feel like we are being assigned the work, trust that teachers are providing developmentally appropriate work, making sure that their students know what to do and when to return it, and will close the loop by checking and returning homework to students.

Younger children will need more reminders to complete their tasks. The hope is that if we help children create a plan in the early years, by the time they hit third or fourth grade, homework is fully in their hands. If your child does not complete their homework or does not turn it in when it is due, trust that the teacher will follow up with your child.

I know that fear of failure is hard to tune out; but the stakes are relatively low. Letting your child have the experience of being held accountable by the teacher is more far powerful than the damage we can do by engaging in daily power struggles around homework. When that fear of letting my children fail creeps in to my head, I remind myself that eventually they will be in college and in their own careers. I won’t be there to make sure all tasks are completed to my standards or anyone else’s. They need to develop their own self-discipline, their own desire to learn, and their own sense of accomplishment from working to the best of their abilities.

As I hear the word grit popping up everywhere these days, I am reminded that grit comes from moving through challenges. It comes from persisting despite fear. It comes from believing in yourself, even on the bad days. Taking responsibility for a child’s homework robs them of their ability to develop these core skills. If, instead, I show empathy for the situation, check in with my own emotions, and believe in my child's ability to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, I give them the opportunity to not just get good grades, but develop the life skills they need to thrive. 

Kristine Kilgour, M.Ed., LPSC
School Counselor & Mediator
6636 West William Cannon Drive, Suite 1627
Austin, TX 78735
512-704-5265
gracecoachingandmediation@gmail.com

Raising A Gifted Child

Raising A Gifted Child:

How To Recognize The Genius In Your Child

From Mozart in the womb to Chinese lessons in preschool, there are many parents eager to give their kids a jump-start on the sort of smarts our modern-day lifestyle equates with success. Sure, we talk about too much pressure, over scheduling, and test stress. Few of us are immune to the competitiveness that seems to have gripped every playground and preschool birthday party in America. Foreign languages are the new ABC's, kindergarten is the new second grade, 90 is the new 80. 

Somehow, in spite of this genius-mania, U.S. students are struggling to keep up with their international peers. Our children's performance lags behind as we watch countries like Finland, Singapore and South Korea churn out the next generation of math and science whizzes, the very skills our new digitally driven landscape requires. Where have we miscalculated when it comes to smartening up our kids? 

And when we say that a child is smart, what do we mean?

Sometimes it's simply that she started talking early, or that she wrote her name when others her age could barely wield a crayon. But other times…it's that je ne sais quoi. The kid has it: a curious, intuitive and natural maturity that makes her stand out.

When Steve Jobs, the renowned head of Apple, and the brains behind the most prized of digital tools, passed away, pundits around the world sought to define exactly what made him so brilliant. The answers they often came up with seemed much more gray than the computer boxes Jobs so magically transformed. However you perceive intelligence, the assumption about those who possess it is that they will ace not only tests, but that they will ace life.

But, the real question is: can it be measured? And, what can you do to help your child get it? 

Read on to find out how you can develop the genius in your child, from her performance in school to how a trip to the store can be a chance to build vocabulary, math skills and money smarts.

Genius, Defined

First things first: “Genius” is a cultural term. There is no statistical definition of genius. Even the well-known international high-IQ society Mensa's stringent testing identifies not “geniuses” but, rather, people whose ability and creativity put them in the top 2 percent of the population. A more common, and politically correct, term in the world of education is “gifted.” Many schools have a “gifted and talented” program, but how many kids actually belong in them? According to the National Association for Gifted Children, about 6 percent of U.S. children are truly gifted. Other experts find this number to be on the generous side. “Gifted children are very rare…in your average classroom, there will be none,” notes Michelle Rhee, CEO and founder of StudentsFirst, an organization devoted to improving our public schools at the grassroots level, and former chancellor of the Washington, DC, public school system. The special classes can start as early as kindergarten, and making the cut usually depends upon both observation of the child and the results of several commonly used “school ability” or reasoning tests geared to young kids. Some parents also enlist the help of child psychologists to determine giftedness, often through IQ testing.

The Lowdown on Testing

Standardized tests given in public elementary schools measure how much of the state-mandated subject matter taught up to that point has been learned. IQ tests, on the other hand, are more about logic and reasoning ability. “They measure a child's ability to find solutions to problems. The results very much show how much practice the child has had…how often he's had a chance to solve a similar problem before,” explains Frank Lawlis, Ph.D., American Mensa's supervisory psychologist and author ofThe IQ Answer. Yet many experts say both types of tests can be poor indicators of a child's true ability. “What if the child didn't get a good night's sleep or is getting over a cold? Maybe the room is too hot or the kid next to him is fidgeting and distracting him?” notes Vivian Kirkfield, former Head Start and kindergarten teacher and author of Show Me How! Building Your Child's Self-Esteem Through Reading, Crafting and Cooking. Standardized tests are just one gauge of student achievement and should never be used as the lone measure, adds Dennis Van Roekel, National Education Association president. “Performance on a single test actually tells you very little about your child. We all know (parents and teachers) that our children are much more than a test score.” In other words, tests are only one tool in the toolbox. “Do you need a hammer to build a house? Yes, but you can't build a house using only a hammer,” Van Roekel notes.

Even Lawlis admits that an IQ score in the highest range is limited in how much it can predict about future success. It can be more helpful to look at what tests can't illuminate: the ability to appreciate the perspective of others, self-control, and persistence—traits that are crucial to school and life achievement. “Kindergarten teachers are more concerned about kids who are behind in social and emotional markers like those than academic ones,” notes Brenneman, who has done extensive research on early cognitive development. “It's about much more than math, science and language skills.”

The Power of a Parent

Steve Jobs's adoptive dad taught him rudimentary electronics as a kid. It seems likely that he couldn't have imagined how that time would pay off. Perhaps we all have the potential to work miracles. Intelligence is 49 percent genetic and 51 percent stimulation, says Lawlis. Other experts agree that, if anything, environment (read: parental influence) has the edge. “We assume smart kids are born smart and you can tell practically out of the womb,” says Rhee. “But I've seen it over and over again: You think a child will be a superstar…and he isn't. Or a child who was written off achieves tremendous things.” It is a close call, as Brenneman points out: “It may be genetic—or maybe he's been learning from you.” Here's what you can do to help your child not only get better grades but have more enthusiasm for learning.

Talk, Talk, Talk

Ask your kid open-ended questions, like “What would happen if we stopped for ice cream on the way to the beach?” Such questions help a child reflect on what he knows and tell him his opinion matters. Don't worry if he's too young to understand. Likewise, don't be afraid to use relatively sophisticated words, notes Brenneman. He may not understand them, but he will figure it out if the words are used multiple times in context. John Shotter, a dad in Seaford, NY, makes it a top priority to talk to his son, Jack, 2, through daily activities. “We talk tools! I show him how the T-square, drill, measuring tape and hammer work.” The results are pretty impressive, reports Jack's mom, Melissa. “He honestly knows the name of every tool, as well as materials like Sheetrock, S packle, and drop cloth. He's also learning measuring, right and left from turning a screwdriver and colors from paint.”

Read, Read, Read 

Research has repeatedly shown that access to books and one-on-one reading time is a predictor of school success. “Reading stimulates the brain to make connections and builds background knowledge about the world,” says Kim Davenport, chief program officer at Jumpstart, a national early-literacy organization. “Reading is the foundation of all learning and will enable a child to absorb and apply content from all areas, including math and science.” Modeling good reading habits may give him an edge. “Seeing his parents reading for enjoyment will be contagious,” says Davenport. Invite your child to cozy up on the couch with you to read. Keep books out—in baskets, on shelves, and on coffee tables. And share what you're reading with your child, and ask him to do the same. This will not only spark conversation but build his vocabulary and comprehension.

Praise Results

Stick-to-itiveness is a quality that will endear your child to teachers—and employers. We as a culture are so busy making kids feel good that we've lost sight of the time it takes for them to actually become good, says Rhee. “My kids both play soccer, and both stink. But judging by the trophies and ribbons that line their room, you'd think I had the next Mia Hamms here,” she notes. It's hard to accept failure if you're constantly told you're the best. When these kids go to school and get a problem wrong, they think “It can't be me.” Giving the right props is key, says Stephanie Rosales, a licensed educational psychologist in La Quinta, CA: “Children who are praised for solving a problem tend to be more motivated in school than children who are told they're smart. The latter, ironically, often become frustrated when something doesn't come easily.” So instead of giving broad praise (“You're a star!”), give kudos for accomplishments (“I'm proud of how you found a different way to get the answer”). And if you're going to hold up a gold standard, make sure it's truly gold. Say “You're almost there. Keep trying.”

Celebrate Curiosity

Preschoolers very nearly glow with curiosity. But sometimes kids lose that as they get older, says Brenneman. Keep them excited by honing in on what interests them. If you ask questions about what they're playing with or talking about—“Yes, even if it's Pokémon, as it was with my son,” says Brenneman—you've initiated a give-and-take that will pay off in a smarter kid. Your child will ask questions and look for more good stuff to share in return. Take time to turn your kid on to what you're excited about: Check out a museum or watch an interesting show together, and tell your child what you like about it and why. Rich Braun, a dad of two in East Islip, NY, used to work weekends. So to be able to share his interests with his son, Erik, when he was in elementary school, he occasionally pulled him out of school to visit a museum. His teachers always agreed, since the next day he told the class what he had learned. “Erik felt like the expert for a day, which over the years boosted his confidence and eagerness to learn more,” says Braun.

Seize Teachable Moments

You can help your child sharpen school skills as you go about your day. Say you drive by a windmill. Instead of saying “Hey, a windmill!” ask a question: “What do you think they do?” Encouraging observation of details will help your child do the same in class, says Rosales. And a trip to the store can be a chance to build vocabulary, math skills and money smarts. Tell a 2-year-old the names of fruits as you bag them. Ask a 3-year-old to find four cans of peas. Have a 5-year-old write down which cereal she wants. Older kids can compare prices and sizes, and sort coupons. Sarah Brown, a preschool teacher in Hollywood, MD, had her 2-year-old students paint with apples, bananas and then skinny carrots. When her students advanced to the 4-year-old group, the teacher noticed that they had better prewriting skills than the new students.

Whether your child is advanced or average, the best thing you can do is be involved. Taking her on this journey of self-discovery is what'll drive her personal genius. In one word: What do you most want your kid to be? Happy? Funny? Confident? Loved? We're betting “Valedictorian” didn't pop to mind. Your goal is to help your child be the best he or she can be, right? If you've read this far, you're both well on your way.

Thanks, Steve: Lessons From the Apple Icon to Pass on to Your Kids

1. Love what you do. Clearly, passion fueled his genius, and he had his parents to thank. Paul and Clara Jobs raised him in a supportive but hands-off environment. When kids are allowed to experiment, creativity flows.

2. Think differently. He never accepted the status quo. Next time your kid has a project to do, help her brainstorm at least two other ways to attack it besides the first thing that pops to mind.

3. Get it right. Jobs's perfectionism fueled anticipation for his covetable products. Resist temptation to gush flattery to your child for every “OK” job; he'll learn stick-to-itiveness.

Check Out How These Game Changing Luminaries Started 

Albert Einstein

• Developed the theory of relativity; the father of modern physics
• He hated school.

Oprah Winfrey

• Media magnate; philanthropist
• Her grandma taught her to read at age 3, which started her famous love of books.

Mark Zuckerberg

• Internet entrepreneur; Facebook founder
• His dad taught him Atari BASIC programming in junior high.

Jay-Z

• Rap mogul; marketer
• Unable to keep him from banging on the kitchen table, his mom got him a boom box.

Gloria Steinem

• Journalist and social and political activist
• She attended school only sporadically until the age of 11. 

Alexander Graham Bell

• Scientist; innovator
• After he built a wheat de-husker out of brushes and paddles at age 12, his friend's father gave him a small workshop.

Toni Morrison

• Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winner
• Her dad told her folktales of the black community, which inspired her writings.

Kristine Kilgour, M.Ed., LPSC

School Counselor, Behavior & Education Consultant, Mediator

512-704-5265

gracecoachingandmediation@gmail.com

Bully Hat!!!

I Made a Bully Hat!

This afternoon I was in Target perusing the dollar spot as usual, when I saw IT - a hat that looked strikingly similar to the "bully hat" Katie wears in Confessions of a Former Bully!

I've wanted to make a bully hat ever since I read Confessions of a Former Bully by Trudy Ludwig.

I had to get the hat, especially since it was a dollar.  I was so excited about my find that I made a bully hat it this evening!

You might be wondering, "What is a bully hat?" 


In Confessions of a Former Bully, the school counselor explains to Katie that people put on a bully hat when they do mean things to others and want them to feel bad.  I love this message because it condemns the bullying behavior, not the person. It is very empowering to be able to "take off the bully hat" and change your behavior.

I am so excited to take my bully hat into school tomorrow! I plan to use Confessions of a Former Bully in lessons with 5th grade this year; so my bully hat find could not have come at a better time! I will be keeping my bully hat in a visible spot in my office. I want to use it as a conversation starter about bullying.

How to make a bully hat

The hat I used was in the Target dollar spot with the Halloween items. It is called a Magician Hat.

To make the bully card I used a piece of red card stock that was 3 inches by 4 inches.  I printed out the word "BULLY" in all caps in size 72 font.  With my paper cutter, I trimmed the bully paper to fit onto the card stock leaving room for a border. I used an adhesive dot roller to glue the bully paper onto the card stock.

About an inch away from the front center of the hat, I cut a slit for the bully card. I tucked the bully card inside the slit and used the adhesive dot roller to temporarily affix the bottom of the bully card to the inside of the hat.  (I plan to get velcro dots in order to make the card removable.)

I am so excited to share this with you and hear what you think!

How would you use a bully hat in your work with students? What props have you created to go with a book?

Kristine Kilgour, M.Ed., LPSC

School Counselor, Behavior Consultant & Mediator

512-704-5265

gracecoachingandmediation@gmail.com